A Letter To My Children

May 8, 2012May 8, 2012 ~ Elizabeth W. Marshall ~ 10 Comments

Dear Kiddo’s,

Since Mother’s Day is coming up in a few days, I thought I would write YOU all a love letter. I am going to color outside the lines a little bit and make it a love letter, a list of what I want to do to be a better mom, and a list of why you guys are the best kids in the world. There will be some randomness thrown in so that you all know I’ve put my random mark on it, i.e. its not from just any mom, but your mom. (You grammar police go away. I know I used random twice for emphasis).

So here goes…

You three are really something. You always have been. Something beautiful, unique and embedded in my flesh and on the walls of my heart. (No comments from you three like oh mom you are getting all mushy on us.) That’s why its my letter. I get to write my feelings on paper. But oh what subject matter I have been given. It started with this. Just Dad and I. But I have already explained all of that to ya’ll.

And all the moments.The mini-moments and micro moments and humongous moments have been distinctly ours because we are us. We are a tribe of five. All the learning and loving could have only happened as it did because of you three. You restored hope, you were miracles, you increased faith. Each step you took, moment you breathed, emotion you expressed poured you onto the canvas creating this painting . This art. This that is our lives. Abstract, bold, colorful, screaming love and shouting grace.

Each one of you getting up and doing family every day. Bringing and offering and using your unique gifts. I chase you around with the eyes of my heart trying to clumsily love you. I stumble and fall and trip up pressing in a truth and repeating my mistakes, repeating my love. Crying out love. Doing parenting sloppily, in my less-than-perfectness. Radically receiving your love every day. You give it so gentle. You give it so perfect. Because you all are life givers and life restorers. You look like miracles to my heart. You walk out His love and your father’s love and my love with flesh and bones.

And lately I follow you around with my camera. You shout and hide and say enough is enough. But capturing you all doing life, eating it up with your passion is now my passion. Swallowing it whole without chewing and running down the good race with endurance like an athlete is my desire. Your lives are something that should be saved and captured. To hold dear. And hold on to. For more than split seconds. You are my prize. You are my glory. You are gift. You are so much more than I can clumsily say.

If I could make perfect sweet tea, I’d make it by the gallon to show my love. If I could bite my tongue and never raise my voice to show my love I would. If I could laugh and smile at every small thing you say and do to show you how much I adore you three I would. If every favorite shirt and uniform were always clean and folded, all socks matched and every note signed pronto I would give you that. But I cannot go back, can’t bottle up the yuck. Can’t re-do the what I did. Can’t wash the dirty down the drain with the dishwater. It’s just there in the mix, all mixed up with the love and the good intentions to love better and more.

So here is the part where I thank you for your grace, because you give it out and show it well. Though you learned from one who was flawed and broken and full of sin. Wrecklessly extending grace, upon grace. And tender Mercy. Like He does. You all do that well.

And this is the part where I ask forgiveness for my shortcomings and tell you how sorry I am. And this is where I tell you a funny thing so you will laugh. Because you know I love Pooh and if you don’t you should. And now you know if you didn’t.

“Oh Tigger where are your manners? I don’t know but I bet they’re having more fun than I am.” (A.A. Milne) There were those hundreds of times I reminded and prodded and begged and browbeat. You know they are important. I will never stop telling you so.

I know a wise young girl who told me once, “smile and laugh and we will smile and laugh with you.” She just happens to be my own precious one. So wise beyond her years. I can’t wait to do more of that.

I wish some things, in my memory and in my heart. I wish that I could read “Goodnight Moon” a billion more times, while I breathe in your sweet smells and feel you cozied in on my lap. You can turn the pages. I want to dive into “The Very Hungary Caterpillar.’ We can swim from page to page together, with you saying the words in tandem with my breathe. We can read— together, we can go slow there is no need to rush. I will never again say those painful words, can you wait a minute. Because you shouldn’t. You should have the all of me.

I hope you heard the parts about kindness, honesty, faithfulness, gentleness and doing your best. I hope you heard me teaching you this when it sounded like preaching. And when I wasn’t any of these things myself.

When I told you not to take the path of least resistance and mediocre was not acceptable. I hope you know that somewhere hidden in all that was a sliver like the new moon of love. Me loving you into all good things. Me wanting for you, all the best.

And now you would say that I didn’t follow the outline. And like when I say grace over the food, its just way too long. You would say now that it’s time to wind down even though I have a trillion more things to say. And no, I am not exaggerating.

I didn’t get a chance to say one more time to make good decisions, wear your seat belt, and all my other annoying one liners.

But since it is my letter and I am in control of the keyboard and little else, I can say that you amaze me, you teach me, and that my love for you is deep and wide. It can never be like His love for us. He loves you more. And you should remember that if little else of this mother’s day letter to you, my children. My gifts from the giver of awesome gifts.

You delight, you surprise, you amaze me in so many ways. This lover of words is out of them now. And to mothers everywhere I say love hard, love deep, love well. And welcome with outstretched arms the surprises, the tomorrows and the right around the corner moments.

A Wink, A Blink, And A Nod From Heaven

May 1, 2012May 1, 2012 ~ Elizabeth W. Marshall ~ 1 Comment

Confusion bends the heart and warps the spirit. And we cry for peace and we cry for understanding. And the tears like cripples crawl wobbly down the slow rocky path from the eyes to the chin.

But oh, how His word soothes the soul.

The soothing repetition of God’s word sings sweet comfort to confusion in our world. Over and over it speaks sweet truth.

And slowly confusion bows to peace. And peace brings comfort and a restoration of hope.

I stare at the computer screen and try to unscramble the code that asks me if I am spam, am I human. Confusion looks like that. Letters warped, unrecognizable, sideways turned, oddly shaped, gross distortion.

And confusion blurs the focus, like this intentional filter questioning before allowing you to pass go, continue on to the next step. This code to filter out the bad, eyes strain at the distortion to make sense and attempt to get it right. To straighten out and make it plain and clear.

Confusion rocks our word leaving a seasick queasy, lost and vulnerable uneasiness in our spirit.

I step outside and throw myself on white rope hammock, fall into the arms of the Master softly swaying on the netted bed. He has caught me. I am His . My gaze goes up.

It always heals, this black lit sky presenting one ultra brilliant star, like eye wink from Him. Winking, blinking Mercy. Assuring me there is a way out of misunderstanding and confusion.

The looking up always restores Hope. The gazing skyward always meets my eyes with Mercy. In the moment of raw human need. And raw human heart. He stares back down to a hurting child, swaying slow and steady under His sky at night and whispers calm in the black of night.

And because He loves so deep and wide and all black sky cavernous, I speak apology.

I know the path out starts here. So what love falls out of the sky at night to a busted heart seeking solace on the ropes of life, in the woven hammock must be extended horizontal now. Given out as freely here as it came down from the heavenly eye wink from the Merciful one.

Confusion rocks. But He steadies. He gives gift of solid rock to stand firm upon.

Confusion blurs who we are, what we are, and WHOSE we are. He loves through a lense of everlasting love, with a clear and pure abiding Love, always and everytime.

Confusion breeds pride and anger. He gazes down with unfathomable Love and ushers in a spirit of humility, peace, and calm.

Steps from the front door of my heart and my home I run into His arms, caught in the black of night. Tears wiped by the One who extends Grace upon Grace upon Grace.

Winking and blinking and saying from His throne, sweet words of Comfort soothing the soul. Tender words of Mercy mending the brokeness. Gentle words re-building Trust.

One black night, one sweet star, and one Tremendous God.

One fresh start with new Mercies leading the way.

Seeing More Clearly Through A Lense of Grace and Mercy

April 25, 2012April 25, 2012 ~ Elizabeth W. Marshall ~ Leave a comment

Blinded by the light. Its difficult to see. Feeling unsafe behind the wheel. Hoping to be home and safe soon. I am vulnerable and I am challenged. The eye doctor dilates my eyes and every ray of sun causes a wince, bringing hand to eye for cover and protection. I am not seeing well. I am not seeing clearly. I want to go home. I know this is temporary. I am certain my vision will improve. I’ve been told it will take two hours. But in this time I am reminded of what it feels like to see unclearly, to see the world in a blur, missing detail. Things are askew. Things are murky, cloudy and off a beat a bit. There are so many times when I do not see the what’s right there. Someone has unspoken pain and I do not see the what’s behind the surface. Someone is struggling with a life circumstance and I do not see clearly the effect it has on words and actions. There is a hidden fact or emotion which I do not see, cannot see, or even will not see. Things are hidden away. Buried down deep. Out of sight. Out of plain view. Things that require sweet Mercy and Grace to see with tenderness and understanding. Like my dilated eyes preventing clarity, the blur of the eyes of the heart can slant and cripple,distort the ability to see with Kingdom Eyes. “You can’t go on ‘seeing through’ things forever. The whole point of seeing through something is to see something through it. To ‘see through’ all things is the same as not to see”. — C.S. Lewis, “The Abolition of Man”. But when I put on the lense of Grace and my heart looks out through a lense of Mercy, I begin to see with understanding and love. The facts or circumstances causing the blurry are less important. The pieces of the puzzle missing matter less now. My eyes are more aligned with the heart of God. Mercifully I see. The blur of pain causing a skewed understanding fades when I look in love. His love. Handicapped on my own. Unable to see clearly without Him. Needing the corrective lense on life of the spirit of God, needing a shift in my fleshy perspective, needing a glimpse of His people through the eyes of Jesus.“The litmus test of our love for God is our love of neighbor.” — Brennan Manning.

I want to see clearly, lovingly, tenderly, mercifully. And I want to see past and through the circumstances- both my own and those of others. I want to see the hard to see places and yet see nothing, embracing and loving the hard and the unlovable. Loving in an all out way where all becomes invisible in love but that which matters. They are my family, my friends, my neighbors. I want to love Gracefully and Mercifully in the blur of life, the blur of pain, the blur of hurt, and the blur of circumstances.

Eyes of Mercy and Eyes of Grace shift perspective, shift view, and opinion and judgement. A lense of Grace and a lense of Love allow compassion and tenderness to focus the eyes of the heart lovingly, kindly, and oh so sweetly to see Beauty each and every time. To see the shadow of the Cross and the bright clear love reigning down from Heaven.

My vision is still off. I feel the sting of the blurr of my vision being manipulated by the doctor. And I know how fragile the eyes are, especially the eyes of my heart. I know how quickly I am prone to look out not in love, but in judgement, in criticism, in hyper-sensitivity and without empathy.

So I lean hard on Him as a blind woman leans on a cane. Crippled am I, handicapped am I without any strength on my own. With the vision of a sinner, blind to others, stumbling into others, running hard into pain and causing it myself, I need the Shephard’s staff.

Mercifully He offers. Mercifully He leads.

Amazing Grace. A view of life like no other, through the lense of Grace.